Monday, February 15, 2016
Why can't I ever be satisfied? Why am I never contented?
Perhaps I should be alone, cause I never felt like this when I'm alone. I don't expect anything when I'm alone, I do what I like and I never get disappointed.
Sometimes, I feel like this. Is it wrong to be feeling like that?
I hate feeling moody and sore :( It makes me feel weak and needy & I'm not.
I'm not liking this.
:'(
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Shitty times don't last. There's much more positive energy on this Earth for me to feed on, so be optimistic and be happy.
Even if the right seems wrong and the wrong is wrong, you gotta pull your socks and make a choice.
Even when you carry all burdens and blames, you gotta lift that shoulders, hold that head high and move on.
How hard is easy? And how much is enough? Are you a failure if you give up?
You try but sometimes it gets tough and you think about quitting. Regrets creep in, anchors itself deep into your heart and makes you feel miserable for the rest of your life.
Sigh, life is weirdly wired and time has no patience to untie each knot before another comes along.
Oh damn, chin up guys.
*Negative thoughts poured into this lifeless blog to keep me sane.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Sunday, October 11, 2015
I fell into a well so deep. Have you ever?
I climbed the crooks and cranny but I've never seen the light.
I tried, how hard? You'll never be able to judge.
Will I ever cross over?
It's not even the dark side but nothing on the other side seems evergreen.
Will I be able to hold on to what I've got?
Will it ever be sufficient. Will it suffice to live a lifetime?
The choices I make, the songs I sing.
Who would to know? Read my mind, who could?
But it's alright....
No one to tell my story...
No one's been there ....
Till date.
I'm still breathing.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
At times, would you look back and reflect on your life? Are you contented with all that you have now? What changes would you have done if given the chance?
I know a few things in life I would like to change, or in my relationship, things that I like. Things that I don't. Things that I don't want in the future. But there's little I can do. Ways to change, I've tried. And sometimes it gets tiring, am I expecting too much? I wish things are simpler, that things would just resolve themselves. I just want to be carefree but its not easy.
Being so stubborn and hot headed myself, it is really tough being with someone twice as stubborn and twice as hot headed than I already am. And sometimes being extremely patient is not enough. It takes a lot to build a strong and lasting relationship. I think I've played my part well, I have given as much as I could, accept as little than I should and try to be as understanding as possible.
But I ain't so superwoman, I ain't perfect.
Thus this post serves as a reminder to myself. To tell myself that I've tried. I've tried communicating, I've tried reasoning and I've tried telling you as directly as possible what I wanted. Because it is important to me, because it means a great deal to me, because it is something I want for the rest of my life. So please don't blame me if ever this becomes the reason we part. Please understand that I'm not being ridiculous, please know that I don't want to be miserable and crazy everyday in our lives.
I need this, and if you aren't giving it to me, I shall move on and search somewhere else.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, December 15, 2014
This is one fact so true but I cannot accept it. How someone who claims he loves you, can't stop telling you he loves you but yet on the other hand is able to say such harsh words to you. Make you hurt so badly but yet does nothing to make you feel better.
You think in your head all the time, how much sacrifices you are willing to make for your other half. And even if it means to travel back and forth from one end to the other, you have no questions about it, you just do it. But then you'll be upset because the other half isn't as willing as you are. Just how much is he willing to do for you? I'm really curious.
I've let down my ego, my pride one time too many. Even when I really shouldn't, I still do. What would happen if I had not. But now that you've told me to keep it, I know where I stand. Now I know you wouldn't fight for us if I were to leave, if I were to ignore like you would. I've been a fool all along. I've been living in denial, thinking this was a fairy tale with a beautiful ending.
I should have known all these tears don't been a thing to you. Its not even an assumption, you had it said in my face. Choosing to ignore, you're so selfish.
I can't find the strength I need, and when I do, I would be out there chasing whats meant to be mine.
Till that day...
Patience > Strength
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Saturday, August 9, 2014
I hate Friday nights like this.
Tonight sucks. And I will probably go to bed crying like its the end of the world again because I feel better after that and it makes me sleep soundly.
I'm a big cry baby. I cry about anything and everything over the slightest thing. I'm very soft hearted and thats why I always get hurt.
No way to toughen up. But sometimes its a good thing too because I forget, I forgive and sometimes I move on.
Life sucks at times, but it still goes on.
With or without somethings in life.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Friday, August 8, 2014
How far do you let someone go to accuse you?
For me, because its someone I love dearly, I don't draw a clear line. Because each time they do and say things that hurt me I end up forgiving and forgetting. I think its just me, its just love.
I do get angry at that very moment, I wish to say many nasty things but I don't wish to make matters uglier than it already is, and so I choose to control.
But why do I always end up getting hurt so easily? I guess I am very sensitive. Tiny wrong choices of words can always affect me greatly. Sometimes I misunderstand or the other party is oblivious about what hurt they have just inflicted on me but to me it always mean a great deal.
And while the other party still manages to sleep so soundly, I stay up all night. Thinking and concentrating on the ache my heart is feeling. I will never understand the things you are going through... you never let me and you think I don't try to.
All that I'm doing is making you frustrated while what I was trying to do was to cheer you up.
Mixed feelings I'm feeling that I'm really trying to voice out now but they seem to twirl, tired.
Sometimes I feel loving someone can be really tiring.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
As though it din't matter.
Asking and knowing and not doing anything about it was what made me so angry and upset.
Acting oblivious to the whole situation and pretending everything was fine was what put me off.
Escaping in hopes of being fine was what made me not able to swallow.
Not giving me a chance to voice out my anger knowing that you made me angry was what made me even more upset.
The person that mattered most din't matter about how I matter.
Seriously? So damn angry.
ARRRRRHHHHHHHHH
Tears of anger.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, June 16, 2014
11:59pm
Baby's immune system is down.
The bugs finally caught him.
His temperature rising like hot cakes
and his stools like tofu.
Poor baby :'(
Saddens me to see him so weak.
This boy of mine can be such a big baby at times,
seeing him in need of my care and love just makes me wanna be by his side forever.
Cradling him in my arms and stroking his hair till he falls asleep,
propping him up his pillow feeding him his water and medicine,
changing his cold towel on his forehead,
cooking porridge for him and
tucking him under his blanket.
This silly boy of mine pouting his lips for kisses and stretching his arms out for hugs..
No matter how strong and stern they are at normal times,
there will always be times when they are vulnerable and need to be taken care of.
Sleep sound my baby,
may you be well again when the sun rises!
I love you :)
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Sunday, June 15, 2014
5:19am
I'm very soft hearted. I seldom stay angry for a long time.
Even with all the rights I have to remain angry and superior, I'll choose not to and forgive.
Its not a bad thing sometimes, but sometimes I'll end up being the one getting hurt.
I think the problem really lies in me, no one else is wrong. Because normally after almost every argument I always end up being the one to apologise for everything. And sometimes I feel so stupid to even start the whole damn argument.
Even when I think my stand is right I'll somehow be able to convince myself that its not. And that makes people think I'm just contradicting myself.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
2.39am tonight. I just submitted my appeal to SIT.
Whats my future gonna be like? We pave our own roads but where do I begin? Each second is precious but am I wasting my time & life away? Like I've mention I have no aim in life, people ask me what do I see myself doing in the future, what do I want to do. Its not that I have not given it a thought but honestly, I really don't know.
What I do know is that given an opportunity, I will make the most out of it and I can make a name for myself in any given career. That I am certain and confident. So to me it doesn't matter which faculty I am in, as long as theres money, I want to be there.
Now the question is how do I get there?
And now torn between engineering and business courses. This is my last chance to be able to study engineering of something valuable and interesting. Many have told me its darn tough and I am scared. Have I gotten myself into some shit that would make me a laughing stock and for people to tell me "I told you so"? You know the first thing that comes to your mind whenever you are scared is to run? Run away, you will be free from all these problems. But can you run forever? No. I know that and its certainly not easy at all! And I am gonna push myself to the limit and see how far I can go. For at least I want to be able to say I have tried my best and not be angry at myself if I do fail.
I have to be more independent and decisive in my choices. Its the least I can do to prove that I've grown up. Blame no one too. Its all upon my shoulders.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, June 9, 2014
Its 2.56 am and I can't sleep. Thoughts running through my head. Feeling lost and lonely and that no one understands me. Not even myself at times.
I'm indecisive and scared. I have doubts at everything and I need a 3rd party to always confirm my decision so I know there will be a lesser chance of failing. Its so frustrating because I'm losing faith in myself.
I have no passion in anything. No aspirations no goals. I say my future is bleak. I'm not willing to settle for small things or little pleasures. I'm not that simple. I get angry at myself thinking that I will have to settle for a simple life or not being able to provide luxuries for my family.
Sometimes for a split second I have thoughts of running away. Not being here. Not being in this country. To start afresh somewhere no one knows me. Sometimes I wish I could just perish.
Should I lower my expectations. Stop thinking so highly of myself and settle for less? Sounds really useless but if it means to be happier in life. Would you?
Life here sucks. Pressure pressure pressure.
I just wanna be in a better place now.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Friday, May 9, 2014
Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
Will always love you baby ~
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Browsing through old photos of baby's Facebook. Always stings when you see photos of your boyfriend and their ex-flings and yet you can't do shit about it because you din't even exist in their heart yet. Then the imagination runs wild.......
Then it doesn't helps when you are waiting excitedly for the boy to get home after jam just so you could hear his voice before bedtime. But then he decides to go for supper and drinks... But then you don't wanna be unreasonable and throw a fit... But then you are still here alone typing emo shit in your blog because you just miss him so much...
But then but then but then.....
Goodnight Baby,
I love you
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Happy Lunar to all, Gong Xi Fa Cai !
I wasn't exactly excited about cny this year just that I would be slightly busier than usual now that I have Jordon. It wasn't easy planning cause my visitings usually lasts the whole day till pretty late in the night, but we managed to squeeze in a little time for each other.
Prior to cny we did have a little arguments because he felt I wasn't interested in planning nor did I ask anything about his cny schedule. But we did manage to work things out in the end.
But though we did not exactly follow through our plans and ended up in a few squabbles, we still enjoyed the new year overall. With all the angbaos and yummy goodies and gambling. Muahaha baby lost quite abit of money to me and his friends this year. But of course why would I wanna win his money... so we split our overall winnings in the end.
Thats one reason why I love you so much, because you are generous and you have a good heart baby :) You are not calculative and you will always try your best to provide me with what I want or need even if it means to sacrifice on your end. I'm so lucky!
Baby, this cny was a little different compared to the past 22 years that I celebrated. This year I had to include you in my plans which was not easy because like you know what my parents are like... and all my life I only had to plan for my family and in recent years my friends in the night. I apologise if I acted very selfishly and only thought for myself. I know it is not easy for you as well having to include my side this year too and you tried your best to achieve a win-win situation. And on top of that you still had to rush to Hood for a gig despite having insufficient sleep. However I still blamed you and still... only thought about myself. I'm sorry baby.
You are truly an amazing partner baby and I appreciate all that you have done for me. For all times that I have made you upset I hope I can make you twice happier. Its sometimes really hard for me to explain my chain of thoughts, emotions or feelings and so I choose to remain silent, but please be patient with me darling.
And tonight you turned in so early and I'm so lonely... but I'm also equally happy cause at least I know you are getting your much needed rest! Sleep tight my man, sweet dreams.
I love you so so much !!!
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Thursday, January 23, 2014
I enjoy spending time with my boy so much and I really don't bear to part each time.
I'm such a drama mama.
I want attention!!! I need his attention!!!
But he is having his full gig rehearsals at RWS now for uob's D&D tmr night :(
I'm feeling all whiny and baby-ish and I need to be pacified !!!
sigh.... I'll just have to go to bed and force myself to sleep
As much as I know this blog is open to public I really hope no one reads it anymore.
But whatever the case ..... I'm still gonna continue blabbering whatever comes to my mind.
This is a space, my space for me to be childish and lash out on my keyboard.
So shoo if you don't like what you're reading!
See that little x on the top of your page?! CLICK IT.
Goodnight with a teardrop
I miss my man
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Feeling pretty accomplished.
Last thursday & friday I took 2 days leave and intended to pack my room but instead I ended up clearing the boy's room. I was like a chamber maid.
I pulled out every single thing that was in his cupboard and slowly organised them into the boxes I bought from Ikea. Oh god the amount of fishing gears and whatever not he has is really shocking!
It was really a mess!! There was absolutely no walking space in his room while I was clearing even his mom and sis got a huge shocked when they peeped into the room. Seeing me in a corner surrounded by all the junk he has.
But I managed to keep patient with the thought of his pleased and happy face when he sees his room going through my mind. Took me about 6 hours odd to just clear out his drawers and wardrobe.
He dint notice any difference when he came home only a corner of the room cleaned but was shocked when he opened his cupboards. I then went to shower and dozed off in his bed with my hair still soaking wet, I was simply too exhausted!
Woke up friday morning with a super aching back! I felt so old. After lunch when baby went to work, I wanted to go home but I stayed instead and continue to clean the room! Oh my, what was I thinking! I felt like it wasn't complete and I still had sat and sun to do my own room!
So the cleaning continues. I threw away his mini shelf by the bedside and his computer table. I then organised the wires and his hi fi set. Next I pulled out the book shelve and vacuumed the entire room, the book shelve and the tv. I love the vacuum! After vacuuming I shifted everything out and mopped the floors with the SHARK cleaner his mom bought, was so good! It was so clean. And then I washed the air con.
I was exhausted!! But it felt so good to know that baby will have a clean and fresh room to sleep in from now on and will have one for as long as I'm around. I'm so proud of myself!! It was really an accomplishment.
I love you darling! Please don't mess up the room and keep so much junk alright. Just a few more steps to go to having your dream room :)
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Upset that baby is still at angus's house drinking away despite having to work in the morning and gig in the night tmr. I don't want to nag too much but I wish he would be more responsible. I don't want to see him disappoint the people that believes and trusts in him at work, it would be such a waste.
I'm just gonna sleep upset tonight, its late.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, January 13, 2014
Using this awesome gift baby gave to me to type an entry.
Won't be able to hear his voice before bed tonight because I was busy sketching out ideas for his new room. Was too immersed in the drawings that I forgot what time it was and I have not showered! Again, he wasn't very happy because I'm always so draggy not showering immediately when I get home. My bad habit! Sigh.... so thats my punishment. Upset but I'm still gonna continue with the sketches awhile longer while he heads off to dreamland.
Goodnight baby,
I love you
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, April 1, 2013
I love to day dream. I enjoying thinking about things that most probably wouldn't happen and then plan the outcome and reactions in my head. Sounds a little retarded but its actually quite fun. I'm not crazy, its just thinking the almost impossible.
I cant tell you what I think of but its just some really super random thoughts about daily stuff. About people on the streets. Most of the time it usually starts with 'What If'?
Sometimes I think too much that I tend to contradict myself in the end but that is because the Earth is round and we revolve around the same things. Something has to happen for a reason, and then there's another reason behind that reason so on so forth. So in other words its actually a gooseberry chase against something you will hardly have a solid answer to prove your initial finding.
It is as complicated as it sounds. At times like this when I'm so damn tired and my energy is so drained, my mind becomes even more complex than it already was. So I give you a thumbs up if you actually can comprehend what I'm even trying to say now cause even me myself find it hard to understand.
Today's entry is just a simple write up about my mind. All the thoughts that I think for a few minutes and then long forgotten for eternity.
Till the next time I find something else to share. (Perhaps tomorrow?)
Goodnight to you.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
As easy as it sounded, it was honestly difficult to even have those words out.
I can say I succeeded in making you believe but trust me, it wasn't entirely what I wanted.
I'm selfish, I made the choice without giving you a chance. Its probably better this way?
The freedom you want that I cant give. The love I want but you cant give.
Our love we used to have was buried under this big complicated mess too deep to retrieve.
The feelings we have, like a power switch.
I really suck at words. So you can judge and hate me.
I will not try to save myself.
I don't know if you still read my blog.
But if you are reading this...
I want you to know that I enjoyed every second of my life while with you.
I need not say much, after all these years we've spent together, you should know that
happiness is all I can give to you.
All the best.
Love
Fatty Teo
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Baby you know I'm not the one for you but why do you keep holding on. Tell me what do you want from me, are you afraid of being lonely or do you just like my company ?
From what I sense, you don't truly love me and it seems like you can never even if you try.
Why don't you just tell me, they will just be words eventually.
You say you care, you say you love me but why don't I feel anything at all.
Perhaps its different pages we're on.
How can I get you to understand what I'm feeling inside? DO YOU EVEN CARE And what would you do. For the past year I yearn for a tight hug, I crave for a kiss on my forehead. For you to just hold my hand for longer than 5 mins or to look me in the eye and tell me everthing is gonna be just fine during my down periods. If you really did tried looking, you would see I'm the most vulnerable around you. I'm just a girl.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Again I was made to chance upon things that I chose not to believe from the beginning.
You made me so weak when you're around. Vulnerable to your pleads.
This time I shall remain strong.
It just sucks so much when I chose not to trust my instincts for once and go ahead. I felt I could give so much more, love you so much more but yet each time I try to, you shut a door on me. But being stubborn in nature I din't want to give up. I felt you deserved so much than that and I knew I could provide if you are willing to embrace.
Till I realized I dug myself a shell scrape so deep I couldn't get out.
I'm done.
Our fate ends here.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Sunday, August 5, 2012
If you know that this road takes you to no where, a journey that requires high mental and physical strength. Will you still walk down?
Some how my mind says no but my heart is controlling my feet and they can't stop they won't slow down.
How will it turn out ? I think I have the answer yet I'm not listening.
So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna keep walking till I realise it's only my foot prints left on this rocky road.
Then I will bravely take the next turn and carry on on a new journey.
Till then, let's make some memories.
I love you.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Thursday, July 5, 2012
For a second I felt your hurt, your frustrations.
And that second, I just wanted to take them all away.
But I froze, I wanted to pull you close to me, embrace you tightly to calm you down but I have no idea what was stopping me. I'm really sorry, I should be the one to comfort you or even let you vent your anger on but instead you had to apologize to me for something you did not do wrong at all.
Just within minutes, I realized how vulnerable one can be no matter how strong their outer surface may seem.
You know ..... you can be yourself, your raw self in front of me. You don't have to hold back your words or thoughts, you don't have to worry that you'll burden me with your problems. I may be too young to understand what you may be experiencing but I'm sure you'll feel better after sharing. I don't want you to bottle up your feelings. Talk to me, share with me.
Its impossible for me alone to break this wall in between so would you just try to help me a little ?
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Sunday, July 1, 2012
The words always seem to get stuck when I really want them to be heard.
I told you you don't love me and you can't love me. Well no one's forcing you to and you don't have to, all you have to do is admit and tell me, I'll understand.
I'm not trying to change you here, but I'm not getting what I want. I'm not asking for the impossible and I'm not being demanding or unreasonable. I just feel we lack the basic things in a r/s.
Of course I'll be jealous or on my guard if I know someone else is interested in you especially when I have no clue what's going on in your life. If that's what you wanna know and the reason is simple because I love you and I only want you to be mine.
.
But why is our r/s so different? I shouldn't compare but the feelings are just not right. May be to you it is but to me its just weird. I should be able to confide in you, to talk to you about anything under the sky, to want to do everything single thing with you, to be able to tell you my little secrets without being afraid that you'll judge and most importantly to tell you the problems i'm facing.
You say our r/s is comfortable and we being happy is all that matters. But the thing is I don't feel love, I don't feel like I belong to you. I don't feel like I'm special, I'm not exclusive. I feel like I'm just like any other that you text to, have supper with and occasionally feel like being with.
Many times I wish you had your arms around my waist, your hands interlocking mine or your fingers running through my hair. Needless to say I wish to be in your arms, the arms that embrace my tightly and warmly to tell me that I'm safe and no one can take me away from you. Are all these a little too much to expect? In my point of view, I should not even have to be expecting these.
Just disappointed sometimes ....
My mind's really messy and I'm very sleepy right now.
T.B.C
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
It had been just slightly more than a year since I made that tough decision.
For months never had I spent a day without thinking about you even if it was just for a second. Many times I wondered what would we be now if I had not made that choice. What new challenges have we got to face, what other happy moments have we got to spend together, what have we argued about again. Little things like these I couldn't help thinking about.
Slowly, the thoughts soon became lesser and my feelings gradually faded. Some memories stayed, the good ones though. Most of the bad ones vanished, thankfully. But sometimes I wish someone would knock me on my head so that they would disappear because the memories are actually holding me back from moving on at times and i'm still struggling to learn how to draw the line between memories and feelings. But i'll get there, eventually.
Thinking back on the bad occasions, counting down from the worst was the one you made me cried the most about. Do you remember the msn convo? The one I went hysterical. Cried while talking to you, cried till my pillow case was soaked, cried the moment I opened my eyes, cried when I showered, cried while on the phone with Eileen, cried in the school's toilet, and wailed while I confronted you. It was heart wrenching but I moved on. Then it was when you broke up with me just before I took off for Australia. Sudden and unexpected, couldn't accept it, did not get a chance to talk to you. For 10 days straight in Australia, I cried so much, sob so hard every night to sleep. Stood under the shower with tears streaming down my cheeks every day. And my heart felt colder than the winter during that time. I had no appetite at all, felt mood-less the entire trip and fear of I don't even know what at every min. It was a very horrible terrible feeling and I could not wait to get back home. But we patched up and got better. After this was the time when we fought and I told you to fuck off. Made you very pissed and din't want to talk to me for days. And so for days I couldn't concentrate during work. The fear of losing you made me tear just thinking about it. Probably apologized a hundred times and begged for forgiveness till you finally did.
Occasionally I will still think about the other little times we fought, stupid silly things but these were the fights that made us stronger that made us understand each other a little deeper.
Of course there were tons and tons of happy moments, times where you make me giggle like a baby, smile like a fool and laugh like an idiot and I'm really really really very thankful for that.
The way we had to part was not entirely a bad way and I got to find out the ugly truth only after we broke up. How accurate my six sense was huh. But then of course I made the choice to voice out only cause I noticed a big change in us and something in me urged me to confront you and so I did. Sadly, I was right :(
I think the thing that really hurt me most was the lie that has been going on for months behind my back and that everyone around me including my parents knew about it except me. How stupid a fool was I. Maybe the only reason was because I trusted you too much?
The reason I'm saying all these now is because I feel I really have to let go of everything in me in order to move further ahead. I may look like I have moved on, told people I have but deep deep deep down in me I know I have not entirely crush the claws that are still clinging on at the edge of my heart. Now that I know you have maybe its really time I should too. So just bear with me a little longer alright? Let me revise everything once more and I promise you'll never have to hear all these crappy shit ever again.
But there are really so much that I have to say that one blog post would not suffice. I just need a little more time.
I shall end it off here for now alrd, please understand and don't be mad/irritated at me okay ?
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Exam stress, why so stress ? Because I did not study. Because I'm always skipping lectures. Because I always put my friends and outings before my books. Because I always just want to have fun. Because I think its difficult and I want to escape. Because I think I'm so damn smart I can study at the last hour on my own. Because.... Because of so many other reasons.
Frustration. Anger. Disappointment.
I've realized my mistake and I'm thankful for the amazing people around me in life that have been giving me so much moral support and guiding me through. If they have not given up on me, I have certainly no, NO reason at all to give up on myself. Escaping from it won't do myself any good so I'm gonna be brave, face the consequences and make sure I do well.
Sorry mom and dad for wasting your precious hard earn money. I've been too playful and ignorant. Sorry that because of my wrong doings you guys have to suffer with me. I've known where I went wrong and I promise to not make that same mistake twice.
I'm willing to retake another year, start all over again. I know I can do it, I'm not dumb. I was merely lazy and stubborn. And along the way I'm learning how to do it right too so I'm pretty positive that I'll make it.
I feel so much better after realizing and deciding my next step.
Susu Hwaiting ! :)
Susu Hwaiting ! :)
AN EXTRA YEAR IS MORE WORTHY THAN A LIFETIME OF REGRET.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Friday, April 13, 2012
How can I love when the doors to my heart are shut.
I just need you to pry them apart.
But only if you're willing to walk right through,
Then baby you'll see the feelings I have for you.
I wish we could speak the words we hold by our lips.
And not just use our eyes to read.
This love can be easy if we want it to be.
So will you pull me closer and I promise I'll stay just where you need me.
T.B.C
-SULIN
Copyrighted
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tell me what's wrong, tell me what's right.
Please don't leave me here stranded alone in this cold and bitter night.
Your words were harsh and it left my fragile heart crushed.
Your hugs were tight but still as cold as ice.
But if only you would stay a little longer,
If only my heart was a little bit stronger.
Why not put a stop to this madness,
Erase all bitterness and share a little more tenderness.
We could start anew,
and forget the ugly past to mend our broken hearts.
I'll wipe away your tears,
take away your sadness and replace with only happiness.
Because baby I'll love you,
more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.
And I'm sure I would only grow fonder each day because you are my all
and my all,
forever.
'If I could I would'
-SULIN
Copyrighted
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Friday, March 9, 2012
When the expectations are set high
You try to reach, jump, stretch, grab.
But you still can't get there.
You decide to try again, harder.
Never have you felt this way in your life,
Wanting something so badly.
The meaning of having it,
The importance of owning it.
The pride you carry inside,
The status you hold outside.
Frustrations.
So much in exchange,
all the terms and conditions.
But nothing's gonna stop you,
you hang in there.
Finally, its yours to take.
The accomplishment,
the smell of a winner.
You've set an example,
you took the leap.
'To Lead, To Excel, To overcome'
Stay Focus.
-SULIN
copyrighted
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Finally freed from the knots and constant scrunching aches
but it will never learn its lesson.
Faster than the speed of lightning, off it went
without my concern.
How daring how bold,
but the opportunity was gold
Needed no potions, shields or fighting skills.
The journey is long but it was determined and strong.
And if one day it ever fails,
No worries, just chill.
Bounce back like a spring it will.
My heart
-SULIN
copyrighted
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
'A leopard never changes its spots'.
My instincts were right once again and I'm so glad I trusted them. Now I can be a much happier person and will be able to experiment different things and feelings in life I once thought I never would anymore, how silly I was then.
I don't care what you might say, might think, might do or how you want to react. I feel its at best that we just leave things the way they are now.
Though honestly apart from all the bad times we had, I must say the good times are all worth keeping a memory of. And I have never regretted that our paths once crossed. I saw a part of you that no one else did and I believed in you. But through the many disappointments, I'm really sorry boy, I ran out of chance cards.
So, I'll be leaving you...
....for good.
But I still hope that you'll live life the fullest,
find a good girl,
treasure her with all your heart.
No more lies.
And lastly..
Thank you for all that you've ever done for me.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Discipline and Distractions. 2 words that starts with D that I Detest most.
I need more of the first D and lesser of the second.
I NEED HELP ! HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
To you :
When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case.
I could offer you a warm embrace,
To make you feel my love.
When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears.
I could hold you for a million years,
To make you feel my love.
I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue.
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No there's nothing that I wouldn't do,
To make you feel my love.
The storms are raging on the rolling seas,
and on the highway to regret.
The winds of change are throwing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.
I could make you happy,
make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do,
go to the ends of the Earth for you,
go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love,
To make you feel my love.
To make you feel my love.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I just can't understand the ways
Of all the men and their mistakes
You give them all your heart
And then they rip it all away
You told me how much you loved me
And how our love was meant to be
And I believed in you
I thought that you would set me free
You should've just told me the truth
That I wasn't the girl for you
Still, I didn't have a clue
So my heart depended on you
Although I'll say I hate you now
Though I'll shout and curse you out
I'll always have love for you
Because I am a girl
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/kiss/because_im_a_girl.html ]
Been told a man will leave you cold
Get sick of you and bored
I know that it's no lie
I gave my all, still I just cry
Never again will I be fooled
To give my all when nothing's true
I won't be played again
But I will fall in love again
Been told a man will leave you cold
Get sick of you and bored
I know that it's no lie
I gave my all, still I just cry
Never again will I be fooled
To give my all when nothing's true
I won't be played again
But I will fall in love again
I loved you so
Now you leave me in the cold
How could this be
I thought you only loved me
Into the night, I pray that you'll be alright
You hurt me so I just can't let you go
You took advantage of my willingness
To do anything for love
Now I'm the only one in pain
Will you please take it all away
Never thought being born a girl
How I can love you and be burned
And now I will build a wall
To never get torn again
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Friday, September 23, 2011
I'm sitting here alone in the dining hall at 6 in the morning trying to finish up my tutorial for the later class. I'm barely half way there ! I guess no one can really help me when my mind is my biggest distraction, cant help it when my mind suddenly starts to wander off and think about all the unrelated issues. So, I hope a little blogging can take my mind off some stuff for a little while before I continue scribbling answers on my paper.
Recently one of my favorite regular confided in chin and I why he was feeling so sad and depressed lately, why he was drinking alone sometimes late in the night. A breakup may not sound like a big issue to some people, but when you're that sentimental and when you put your best effort in to the r/s and someone just crush it effortlessly, you'll understand then, how much it hurts. I suppose most people will go through this stage in life and I guess the best advice one can give is that time will heal your sorrows. Eventually you'll start to wonder that she/he may not be the one and that I'm certain you will meet the right person =) It was really unprofessional and mean the way she treated you so don't put any blame on yourself alright ? There's so many women out there dying to meet a guy like you, so don't give up k ! Try not to think so much when you're alone too ? and whenever you want to talk to someone don't forget chin and I ! =) We lend a good listening ear. And if balloons cheer you up, we'll make one each time you come to molly's ^^
The one and only thing a friend will always wish for another is for him/her to be happy. And as long as you are, a good friend will always be behind your back supporting you though thick and thin. I'm really glad to know that I have friends that will do that for me, and in return I want to be regarded as that friend as well because I know that I will always be there for them =)
The sun is rising, time for me to head back to my books.
Have a good day y'll =)
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, September 5, 2011
Life these weeks have been pretty miserable. Worst, I don't know the reason why I'm feeling so down and depressed lately. Perhaps its school or maybe work is tiring me out. If that was the case, I'm no different than a beansprout. I used to be a strong girl and issues like this used to be so trivial I can't even be bothered.
Its 2 weeks into school and I'm not enjoying it a single bit. I've got no friends in class, which makes me a lonely dolly. So I pay attention to the lecture which can really bore me out ! I find it so hard to make new friends in lectures like this because you go to class, you find a seat and you pay attention, when the class ends, you leave. That's what I'm experiencing so far, and its driving me nuts ! And sometimes I just don't know what to say to strike a convo, sigh I used to be so outgoing and chatt ! Where's the old me ?! :(
Well, friends in school are important. But what is most important is me liking the course, and sad to say, I'm not. Well, the only reason I took this course was because I needed this field of knowledge for a particular reason which I really hope it will come in handy. *fingers crossed. I'm only interested in it about 25% so I am not happy at all, lectures are fast and hard to understand. Besides, its not exactly what I'm good at. I'm really so lost and depressed. If only I had the money, I would quit and really pursue something I really like and can excel in. I'm so disappointed in myself saying this, but I kind of regret.
This is gonna be a tough 3 years of my life but I've gotta be more mature now. Suck thumb ! push myself harder and hopefully everything will turn out well. I've gotta force myself to get use to it. And...
I really wish you were here to support me through all this, be my strength of pillar. Its so difficult without you now and I feel like I'm falling into pieces.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
After all that happened, I cross my fingers and hope that I will not end up with someone who will hurt me like the way you did.
But you know what? A little twist here. I in fact do hope that I'll meet a guy who would
steal, lie and cheat.
However.....
a guy who would steal away my sorrows,
a guy who would lie beside me on bed every night
& a guy who will cheat death.
:)
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Am I that bad?
I hate it when people compare me with others, can't they just see I'm not them? Don't expect me to be like them.
Are you saying all this to make me improve? I try to tell myself that too, but its hard to keep a straight and positive mind when the things you say sometimes really makes me wonder.
I'm pushing myself to do better, to improve, to prove to myself and others that I can. But the things you say are just so hurtful, it makes me fall back down a step.
Sometimes, you have to understand the situation before you make a judgement.
Think about all the times where you ask me to do something, anything at all. When did I disagree or agreed on a second thought?
Everyone makes mistakes but I don't give excuses or try to explain myself when its a misunderstanding because I know it will only make things even uglier.
Even when my knees and ankles are hurting like hell, I still hang in there. I try not to let it get to me.
Can't you see that i'm trying ? Can't you ?
Just leave me alone and let me do my thing please.
Or you could tell me straight in my face where I went wrong and not beat around the bush in front of others.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Stomach ache.
Head ache.
Muscle ache.
Worst >>>>>>>>>>
Heart ache.
Combo all at once :(
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Friday, June 10, 2011
Like hanzel you left trails of memories on your way out of my heart and where ever I go I'm reminded of you.
F OFF !
no, no, I'm just kidding.
Come back.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, June 6, 2011
The power lines went out
And I am all alone
But I don't really care at all
Not answering my phone
All the games you played
The promises you made
Could't finish what you started
Only darkness still remains
Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright
Been black and blue before
There's no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback's such a waste
You're invisible
Invisible to me
My wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face
Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright
One day
You will wake up
With nothing but you’re sorries
And someday
You will get back
Everything you gave me
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright
Thanks for the song, but its not helping.
It brings more pain, pain that you dont know.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, May 23, 2011
I'm amazed I can still remember my password.
I'm feeling so down right now that I can gorge myself with 20 or rather more spicy nuggets. sigh, I thought I was over this.
Why are people are so silly when they're in love. Theres 2 kinds of being silly. One, being silly and support the one you love, be by their side when they needed you. Do lil sweet things because you know it would make them happy, putting in extra effort because you know they're important to you. Two, being silly in a way that would hurt the ones you love. Doing things that you know would make them sad but went ahead with it anw, and being silly to let them slip away day by day.
I was glad I was the silly number one, I have no regrets :)
So since being a free soul was what you wanted, be glad you are one now.
Goodbye.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Gosh I nearly forgot that I actually have a blog. :/
So finally poly days are over, *hopefully*, fingers crossed. results coming out next tuesday.
I'm not really bothered about my final GPA cause I've made up my mind to further studies in UOL taking accounts and finance. So as long as I pass all modules, I will enroll and start this August.
Meanwhile, I'll continue working at Molly's to earn some extra bucks and save to buy my macbook for the new term :) and if I have some extra savings, I will go on short trips with the mates and sisters !
SO actually this short post is just to revive my dead blog a little.
Will try to post more often.
BYE.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Previously, I mentioned I skipped 6 lessons despite promising I'll work hard. Well, nothing changed except I've skipped 15 lessons so far. god, I'm so tired of school. Lecturers are so boring except for 1 or 2. Even the simplest module that was supposed to be a give away and some time to relax is so far the most stressful module, CSW.
I just dread going to her class and I'm gonna make sure I make full use of my 'can absent for at least 3 classes'. hahaha
I'm just looking forward to my japan trip this holidays. Some time to relax and quality time with my family :) A little phobia though. But I hope nothing will change this 2 weeks while I'm gone.
Also, pray that my dearest uncle will recover soon. He just underwent a bypass heart op :(
Thats all for now. Love bf.
Taken in class. Iphone's flash was too strong but who cares, it covered all my blemishes. Just had to post, TOO CUTEEE ! hahahaha Smack me.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
such an irony. I said I'm not gonna be lazy and start working hard. But its only 2 weeks into the new semester and I've skipped 6 lessons. hoho bad bad.
Anw, life recently wasnt that good for me. Its hetic. With school, work and my driving lessons. Bf is equally busy too, so we have no time for each other :( I'm so sad. we havent seen each other in 5 days. I miss my boy boy :(
This coming fri is my TP ! oh my god I'm so nervous and excited. And that together makes me wanna diarrhea. I have little confidence because I'm a kan-chiong spider sometimes. And I have little practice in the circuit. I pray there will be little cars on the road.. I really hope a miracle happens and that I pass so I can save money and time.
BF: I just need to be in your arms for just 5 mins. Thats all I need to regain my energy. I love you babee.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, October 11, 2010
What do I really want in life? I always ask myself this question over and over again. By a certain age, say 35, what do I wanna achieve? Its the final sem and after that what am I gonna do after? I dont want to waste any time doing odd jobs just to pass time. I will only be stuck there and not learn anything.
People around me, they have goals and visions. They are clear of their future, the path they are taking, the steps they are following. What about me? This is the time I start realizing that I'm growing, and in no time I'll be forced to face the real world. Well the truth hurts but come on, take it as a motivation sulin, prove to people that you are what you're made of, show that you have what it takes to realize your own dream, there are no short cuts so work hard and i'm sure it will pay off.
From this very day onwards, I'll slowly move towards my goal I've set. Together with whoever and whatever support I have, I'll climb my way up. I want to live my life I want it to be and not how everyone thinks it should be because ITS MY LIFE and I shall carve my own path. ALL THE WAY SUSU ! :)
Also, this shall be a reminder to myself to stay strong and always have a positive mindset. Be prepared to encounter set backs in life, and never dwell on them. Always move forward and leave whats suppose to be behind, behind. Make your own decisions and blame no one for them. Lastly, be FIRM and STRONG.
Baby, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I'll genuinely support you all the way. We both know that its not going to be easy but if this is what we really want then we have to work hard. We'll encounter problems along the the way no doubt, but as long as we stand by each other in every aspect possible, I'm sure we will get there ! Let us both be more understanding, not only towards each other but to the people around us, our friends and love ones. Let us trust each other more as well and never take anything for granted because somethings in life, when it gone, its gone and you can never get it back. I love you with all my heart and I'm ready to stand by you by all means :)
True heart felt feelings will always sound cheesy. So if you're having goosebumps, you too should start doing something for yourself now ! CHEERS EVERYONE :)
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning. I jumped out of bed when I realized my brother took my ipod, I hurried out and true enough, my baby white coolest ipod video 30G was nowhere to be seen. My blood started to boil inside. WHY THE FUCK DOES HE NEED THE IPOD WHEN HE IS GOING TO WORK. WHY THE HELL DOES HE NEED THE IPOD WHEN THE JOURNEY TO HIS WORKPLACE IS SO FKING NEAR?! I wouldnt mind him taking it if he had the basic courtesy to ask me before hand and I would agree if I dint have to use it later on. BUT I WAS GOING TO WOODLANDS. TO AND FRO. its a bloody hour journey there and I needed the poddy.
I'M SO ANGRY NOW. I'M SCREAMING INSIDE.
Then my mom just had to nag at me and knowing that I was already very pissed off. I blew. I screamed at her. So so so mad. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I need some loud music to cool me down, I'm a gothic bitch inside.
Its all my brother's fault. that irritating fucking piece of selfish low crap.
my eldest brother.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Saturday, August 14, 2010
time certainly do fly, its almost the end of the first week of holidays. Nothing achieved except for finishing our fyp report. CHEERS! And I can forsee myself enjoying the whole of next week too cause next thursday is my birthday and i'm turning 19. So fast. Currently no plans for my birthday yet, just want to keep it simple, lunch/dinner or whatever. Actually I'm just kidding, I love surprises pls surprise me anybody. Even if its just a slice of cake I'll promise to act surprise, really. hahaha
Anw life is so-so now. Not rock bottom nor in high spirits, just normal passing each day like I have to, not happy time still passes, happy time still passes but of course I wanna be happy all the time. And I'm really jealous of ppl who are really happy and who are contented with what they have, not saying they have no problems in life of which I wouldnt know anyway but at least I know they have things that I want that would make me a happy girl.
Sometimes, I'm not sad, I'm more of scared? and the most irritating thing is not knowing what I'm actually afraid of? Sometimes I know and it just bugs me cause i'm just thinking too much and i'm just scaring myself but I cant help it. I'm starting to lose confidence in myself but I'm dont want to be a paranoid shit ass. I really have to overcome this fear I have inside and be the bubbly old me not someone acting strong on the surface but crumbling down like a sandcastle inside. I'm pathetic.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
so much for promising a fun week when i'm not even top 3 in your piriority list.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, August 9, 2010
no one I can think of that I can turn to.
because no one understands me,
not even you you you and you.
so now, I shall dig real deep to search for my soul,
the soul you people stole.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Sunday, August 1, 2010
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I should know
And you always think
I will speak
Critically
I should know
That you're no good for me
Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You don't really want to stay, no
But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
Someone call a doctor
Gotta case of love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
I can't get off this ride
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Cause you're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Cause everything I do, I do it for you.
cheeeesssyyy yea, but hey, gotta admit its true.
Love ya my boy !
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Sunday, July 18, 2010
For how long will this last? I really have no idea.
I tell it to go, but it just won't.
Then I realized, it's loneliness.
And loneliness knows me by name.
Loneliness brings fear.
And what exactly am I afraid of ?
The truth.
Because truth hurts.
But face it girl, it's reality.
But why can't I control the reality?
Why can't I mould reality?
And if I could, I would make you reality.
Our world, only you and me.
Then I won't have to fear.
And even if every other thing messes up, I know I still have you.
Cause you make me feel safe whenever I'm with you.
I just love you so much but I'll never be in your arms again,
That's the truth,
and it hurts so much.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Teach me how to cry,
when all my tears are dry.
Tell me what to do,
when I just closed my doors on you.
Remind me that I'm strong,
when everything goes wrong.
But now, you can hurt me no more,
So just be blunt,
I'm already numb.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
Shadows of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into
Morning just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I never realized
How happy you made me
Oh baby
When you came and you gave without talking
But I sent you away, oh baby
When you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh baby
I'm standing on the edge of time
I walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world
Of uphill climbing
Tears are on my mind
Nothing is rhyming
Oh baby
When you came and you gave without taking
But I sent you away, oh baby
When you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh baby
Yesterdays a dream
I faced the morning
Crying on the breeze
The pain is calling
Oh baby
When you came and you gave without taking
But I sent you away, oh baby
When you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh baby
Oh baby wont you listen to what I've got to say
Oh baby don't you let me throw it away
Oh baby wont you listen to what I've got to say
And I need you today
Oh baby
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Thursday, July 1, 2010
How much can an incident/something change the person you really are deep within? You can put on a fake front, deceive the people around you, the ppl who truly care for you, but can you deceive yourself?
The brain is a powerful mechanism, I was stupid to let it control me to think that it was revenge that I wanted though I knew it wasn't somewhere back in my head.
Now see how evil can your own mind be, sneering at your heart now that it achieved its goal.
I've deceived you, and I've certainly deceived myself.
Its all over now, I'm back to who I was before.
I'm back to being the girl with a contagious laugh, a great vibe, a cute personality and a smile worth dying for. At least in someone's eyes, I will be.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, June 28, 2010
I know you're not coming back.
So I think you should start packing and move your way out of my heart...
And what is left would be you in my brain,the wonderful memories that you've given me but would soon fade away in tears.
I love you deeply and will for a long time at least.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Its so hard to blog about my feelings when it runs like a contour, so confusing.
And....
How do I make everyone happy? including myself.
Seems really difficult...
I'm always sighing..
and here I go again, SIGH.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Friday, June 4, 2010
problems surfacing one after another.
2 completely different people getting togther, was it a mistake or is it just filling up the empty parts of each other?
While I made you a better person, you repaid me by breaking my heart.
Now I'm a complete bitch so vulnerable, always cranky and always making the smallest and simplest thing sound like it's the end of the world. I want to blame you, but what's the good of it? I would only hate you, so as time goes by, I shifted the blame on myself for being so weak, for allowing you to hold my heart up so high then smashing it down to bits.
I tried, I tried to hard, now I'm tired. other thoughts are racing through my mind, but what is the best for me?
I really don't know, I wished I knew.
If it's the wrong choice, would you still be there for me?
it's gonna be a hard healing process, but if this is what would make us both feel better, let's not bluff ourselves anymore shall we?
I've loved only you all this while, probably more than you did to me. But it doesn't matter anymore anyway.
I'll miss your hugs, your soft kisses, your undersanding and everything great about you, let's just leave things here, you've made a difference in my life, you made me knew I could love someone this much, for that I thank you.
Thank you for everything great that because of you, it happened.
And for everything sad, let's just ...
... let bygones be bygones.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
SCREW TERM TEST. It makes me so stressed up, my weak heart can't take it.
SCREW EVERYTHING/EVERYONE WHO ARE GIVING ME PROBLEMS AND MAKING MY LIFE SO DIFFICULT.
SCREW HAVING TO WAKE UP EARLY. I need more sleep! insufficient sleep makes me cranky.
I can't wait till next week is over then I'll have plenty of rest and quality time with fat face :) i love you.
Gotta hit the sack.
psst : Happy birthday NAD ! Stay small and happy always cause you look cutest like this:) Wish you everlasting happiness with Azman too ! ROCKON. As your birthday present, I'm giving you some of my courage cause you need it ! Time to let out the lion in you, don't allow ppl to climb over you k. <3
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Friday, May 28, 2010
A Tribute to my Ah Ma.
My ah ma is a strong woman, very strong, stubborn and super independent. Her husband passed away young when my mom was still young and since then she brought up 8 kids single handed. She was protective of her children, she was fierce but reasonable. Stories from my uncles were that she would often chase them around to beat them cause they were super naughty and my ah ma would never let them go hungry even when times were bad. She earned some money from making and selling some food and even saved up to go on holidays. Some of the fond memories were travelling with ah ma, I would always be unhappy cause she would forced me to sleep in the same hotel room with her when I wanted to be with my other cousins but I would do anything just to slp next to my ah ma again. Times when she scolded me, times when she brought my cousins and I for a free movie at queenstown, times when I stayed over and she still forced me to slp with her, times where she would always push money to me, and when I reject I would get scolded. There are so many big and small incidents that are memories that stay with me forever and which I cherish. My ah ma was a great woman, she's 87 with 8 children, 19 grand children and 8 and a half great grand children.
Anw, my grandma whom I call ah ma (mom's mom) passed away peacefully on the 24th of April 2010. I miss her sooo much :( Each time I go to my uncle's house now, every corner of the house just reminds me of her. But at least I know she's not suffering anymore now. Well, my ah ma fell down unfortunately in Nov 2008 which she had a hip replacement done so her movements were rather restricted for months and not being able to go out whenever she wants to made her think that she wont be able to walk or do anything on her own again. And then it led to depression and minor strokes and getting into fits. Soon her fits were more often every few mths, in and out of hospital. Being the stubborn lady she was, it was really difficult for every one to get her to take her medicine, she just wanted to leave the world cause she thinks she's being a burden. It was really heart breaking, but what could I do? Then she was admitted again cause she had really bad fits which took quite long to subdue, then a minor heart attack and lung infection. The doctors told us to make a choice whether to sent her to icu, which we decided not to cause we knew that was her last wish, no wait. it wasnt even her wish. We just let her be, giving her medication to make her feel better. I stayed overnight at the hospital with mummy, praying for her and just being by her side. A few days later, I had to leave sg for my overseas attachment for 3 weeks and the doctors told us to prepare cause it may be anytime within the 3 weeks. As much as I could enjoy during the trip, part of me was worried sick. I dint know what to do if anything happens but lucky enough ah ma was strong, she always was. She pulled through for another 2 mths till....
One day, it was also our (Ryan and I) monthsary and we just finished dinner going for our movie in 5 mins when my mom called to say my ah ma had difficulties breathing and that she is in critical. When I reached her house, the house doctor was already there and he advised that she be send to the hospital immediately. Delima. my ah ma ever said since the last time she was admitted that if anything were to happen, she doesnt want to be sent to the hospital, she wanted to spent her last few moments at home. But we dint knew how long is she gonna suffer, so we called for the ambulance to AH. The doctor said that her lungs are filled with liquid and that she's too weak to receive any treatment, the only thing they could do was to pump in antibiotics to relieve her pain and within the next 2 hours we would be able to know which direction she's heading to.
Ah ma was then wheeled to the ward, and cause she had loads of phlegm stuck at her throat she was unable to speak. My Uncle was relating then that ah ma gave a super unhappy face trying to tell us no she doesnt want to be warded. I think she knew then that she was leaving cause she told the maid that she saw her brother (deceased) the previous night and din't want to go in the hospital. So, after an hour. All my uncles and aunts decided to bring her back home cause the antibiotics were not working anyway. The doctors were unsure, they say that she was too sick and that she might not even survive the journey back, but we're gonna try. Its my ah ma's wish so throughout the whole time while waiting for the paramedics, we kept telling her to hang on we're are bringing her home. Her face lightened up a lil and she nodded while forcing a smile.
Back at ah ma's place, my aunts' 2 friends were already there and as my aunt is a strong Buddhist, she always goes for prayers and whenever someone they know is about to pass on, they will rush down to the place to chant. So the chanting started at about 1am, only the children stayed, my dad brought my brothers back home first as they were tired, he asked if I wanted to go with him but lucky I did not cause at around 5am, I was sleeping on the couch when I was awaken by my mom saying that ah ma is leaving. I sprung up from the sofa and rushed to the room, the atmosphere was stale, we were told not to weep in front of my ah ma but was allowed to tear. We all knelt and chanted till she took her last breathe...
By noon, almost the whole family tree were there and the tent for the wake was up downstairs on the field where ah ma said she wanted it to be. I got to clean ah ma's body, it felt cold but she looked very peaceful like she was asleep. Then, the body was carried down to the wake where the coffin was. Did some rituals and the coffin was sealed, as Buddhist we believe that doing embankment was a painful thing for the dead so we did not and sealed the coffin.
It was a 5 days wake. I stayed over all 4 nights with jeroy, some of my other cousins stayed over on a few nights too. There were prayers every night. It was a huge tent, big, airy and spacious. Throughout this few nights, the whole family got really close, we were all quite close before but even closer that few nights. During the funeral a few of my dad's friends came too, a few of them had some 'special powers' and they saw my grandma's spirit wandering about the wake, smiling looking very happy to see all of us there together. On the last day of the wake, we send her body for cremation. Then collecting the remains the next day, putting them at a private temple at shrusberry street. We have to go pray every friday for the following 7 weeks, tmr will be the 5th.
Some stories to share: My uncle, aunt and the maid who took ultra good care of my ah ma dreamed of my grandma. She was back to the fat times in all of their dreams. The dreams that wanchuen (eldest brother's gf) had were unbelievable. The first dream was that she dreamed that she was in this room, brightly lighted and there were many people but non she could see their faces, everyone was waiting for someone-ah ma to return home. Then this lady (ah ma) returned but chueny couldn't recog her in the dream cause this lady was fierce looking and fat, just like how ah ma used to be in her younger days. Then she asked chueny who she was and then she was given a paper and pen to write all her particulars which she did. When chueny woke up, she told my brother immediately and drew out how the house looked like, she was puzzled cause it dint looked like my ahma's house or my house. When she drew out, my brother told her it was my ahma's old house which we spend our childhood there. Its demolished now just a few blocks away from their current place, when I saw the drawing she drew, I literally had goosebumps, very small chance of being wrong cause houses nowadays do not have that layout concept. Her 2nd dream was just a few days ago which she immediately called me when she woke up, she asked if we went to offer offerings and pray to her recently, I said yup we did. She then told me she dreamed that she was at the funeral when she was drawn to the coffin when suddenly my ah ma woke up and held her hand pulling her nearer to the coffin, she freaked out. My ah ma talked to her but she could only remember my ah ma telling chueny saying that she is fine now, she is happy and its very good here (there), tell them (the family tree) not to worry and not to cry anymore. My aunts and mom still cry every now and then. I told my family and aunts and they were really amazed. Sometimes, somethings are just hard to believe.
One of ah ma's last few wishes was that she hoped that the whole family would still gather every now and then and to keep in contact. Of course we would ! we would still organize trips overseas and bbq ocasionally. the first gathering would be on 26th june, a BBQ session which I'm organizing !! YEAH.
This is just a short tribute to my beloved ah ma. From her passing, I truely understood the meaning of not waiting till one's gone to regret not doing something for him/her. My other granny has been asking me to take her to vivo when I'm free cause she wants to eat the thunder rice there but I've not done so. I'm gonna bring her as soon as my term test ends. I dont want to regret if anything were to happen, things are just so unpredictable.
Oh my goodness, I just realized its an ultra long post.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, April 19, 2010
Pls, let year 3 be a smooth and easy year for me :)
Bless me with all the knowledge and hardworking cells I will need to get straight As, heh.
Also, pls make this last year (hopefully) a sweet memory :)
YEAR 3 FIRST SEM TERM 1 starts in a few hours, all the trying-to-be-on-time-routine begins once again, boring !
ANW, enough of school, I wanna thank daddy for getting us ( family) this wonderful gadget that I've longed for so long !
An IMAC :) YES YES YES AAAA ! wOOOWEEEEeeee..... apple is love,oh yea ! uh huh.
I'm Lovin' it.
Loving you too my darling boy, ryan :)
You've still yet to post :(
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Saturday, April 10, 2010
SHIT ! I feel so fat.
I can't control my itchy mouth.
These few days, I ate lesser yet I've gained weight, OMG.
Hasan said:" your thighs are still so big after 5 weeks of not seeing each other".
Some say I'm not fat, but I know they are referring to only my upper body, I know I know ! :(
I see pretty clothes, think again, imagine myself in it, and nahhhh, look fat, don't match.
SERIOUSLY WANNA LOSE WEIGHT SOOO BADLY !
DONT TEMPT ME WITH FATTY FOODS CAUSE I'VE A SOFT SPOT FOR IT.
Lesser sweet drinks, more plain water.
Right meals at the right time.
Lesser and healthy snacks.
Have fast food meals once in a nong nong time.
Exercise, at least twice a week, must perspire if not not counted.
.
.
.
.
and the list goes on.....
psst: I feel like sharon a few months ago... opps.
EH! but she damn slim now k! bet that her head is expanding if she reads this.
SIGH.. LOSE WEIGHT. yea.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Sunday, April 4, 2010
suddenly had the urge to fill this dead blog of mine with many words, emotions but no pictures. lazy.
Well, 3 weeks past so quickly and I'm back from my OITP indonesia trip. it was a blast, i made many many new friends, saw through some people and seriously, i do not understand why they can behave so 'abnormally'. argh just gives people reasons to gossip. haha !
This trip i would proudly say I HAVE NO REGRETS. 17 days is really too much to be type out in this small humble blog of mine, so facebook peeps !
Today is a really bad day for me. First was my singtel bills. Lazy to explain further but I have done nothing wrong so I'm not afraid. Then it was dad who accused me of mixing up and deleting his pictures from his digi cam when i did not. But he later realized that he was wrong, no apology but its alright as long as i'm not being accused. I'm sure no one likes the feeling of being wrong right? Then I just realized I lost something. Something very precious, I'm really dooommmmed. oh god ~~
Sigh.. I HATE MY MESSY ROOM. it just makes me even mad to see my small pathetic cramped room with so many things and no where to store. I've threw so many things away, its never ending. And I have so many things to do, reports, log book, article, presentation. I better get started.
Alright, gonna end my rants. dont say my problems are nothing compared to yours k. everyone has their own problems and things to be bothered with.
baby, i love you :)
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Monday, February 22, 2010
I see tears more than water.
It's damn pain, I swear.
You don't understand.
Its a mad world with topsy turvy theories .
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
WAH. If I could only lay my hands on one of these sexy things.
I WANTTTTTTTTT ! pls pls pls, my next top item I want in my List Of Wants(LOW)
okay I dont care, I really want want want.
I will buy it, bring it home and give my mom a shock of her life but I will be happy, brothers will be happy, daddy will nag a lil but I dont care. How selfish I am ^^ heh.
M201 - $999
FDB206 - $599
FDB166-$549
CITY266-$999
CITY206 - $699
AL-TR247 - $799
But oh well, I think I should not buy on impulse if not I think I will regret again.
Mummy doesnt really like me riding around the neighbourhood though my area is a really nice place to cycle around and I can cycle to vivo, how cool. Cause I fell of a bicycle before, causing 9 stiches on the back of my head on the first day of chinese new year, so lucky hor !
yea... but one fall cant stop me from doing smt I like what right, cycling can lose alot of weight and train my knees and ankles ! heh, so the moral of all this 'theory' of protecting myself is....
I REALLY WANNA GET ONE. -- FDB206 in GREEN, any rich and gracious soul out there?! :)
OH ! did I mention these are MINI COOPER brand? :)