For months never had I spent a day without thinking about you even if it was just for a second. Many times I wondered what would we be now if I had not made that choice. What new challenges have we got to face, what other happy moments have we got to spend together, what have we argued about again. Little things like these I couldn't help thinking about. 

Slowly, the thoughts soon became lesser and my feelings gradually faded. Some memories stayed, the good ones though. Most of the bad ones vanished, thankfully. But sometimes I wish someone would knock me on my head so that they would disappear because the memories are actually holding me back from moving on at times and i'm still struggling to learn how to draw the line between memories and feelings. But i'll get there, eventually.

Thinking back on the bad occasions, counting down from the worst was the one you made me cried the most about. Do you remember the msn convo?  The one I went hysterical. Cried while talking to you, cried till my pillow case was soaked, cried the moment I opened my eyes, cried when I showered, cried while on the phone with Eileen, cried in the school's toilet, and wailed while I confronted you. It was heart wrenching but I moved on. Then it was when you broke up with me just before I took off for Australia. Sudden and unexpected, couldn't accept it, did not get a chance to talk to you. For 10 days straight in Australia, I cried so much, sob so hard every night to sleep. Stood under the shower with tears streaming down my cheeks every day. And my heart felt colder than the winter during that time. I had no appetite at all, felt mood-less the entire trip and fear of I don't even know what at every min. It was a very horrible terrible feeling and I could not wait to get back home. But we patched up and got better. After this was the time when we fought and I told you to fuck off. Made you very pissed and din't want to talk to me for days. And so for days I couldn't concentrate during work. The fear of losing you made me tear just thinking about it. Probably apologized a hundred times and begged for forgiveness till you finally did.

Occasionally I will still think about the other little times we fought, stupid silly things but these were the fights that made us stronger that made us understand each other a little deeper. 

Of course there were tons and tons of happy moments, times where you make me giggle like a baby, smile like a fool and laugh like an idiot and I'm really really really very thankful for that.

The way we had to part was not entirely a bad way and I got to find out the ugly truth only after we broke up. How accurate my six sense was huh. But then of course I made the choice to voice out only cause I noticed a big change in us and something in me urged me to confront you and so I did. Sadly, I was right :(

I think the thing that really hurt me most was the lie that has been going on for months behind my back and that everyone around me including my parents knew about it except me. How stupid a fool was I. Maybe the only reason was because I trusted you too much?

The reason I'm saying all these now is because I feel I really have to let go of everything in me in order to move further ahead. I may look like I have moved on, told people I have but deep deep deep down in me I know I have not entirely crush the claws that are still clinging on at the edge of my heart. Now that I know you have maybe its really time I should too. So just bear with me a little longer alright? Let me revise everything once more and I promise you'll never have to hear all these crappy shit ever again. 

But there are really so much that I have to say that one blog post would not suffice. I just need a little more time.

I shall end it off here for now alrd, please understand and don't be mad/irritated at me okay ?